SHAH-AZZ, INCORPORATED

Asssalamualaikum...

Well, this is it...

I've finally completed my 3-months stint at TM R&D...and so, I've officially completed my 7-months INSEP uE course...

Although my last day was actually yesterday, today I still come to my cluster, since I didn't actually officially say farewell to them, yet...12 weeks have passed by, and I've been through a lot of ups and downs throughout this period...

But let's start with the obvious...about my task here...the active low pass filter...so, how did it go?..well, not quite as I expected...there were some promising results, only with a little bit more time, I could have actually made it...I felt that there's still a lot of room for improvements here and there that, had I trully FOCUS on doing it SERIOUSLY, then it will work charmly and brilliantly...

About the environment, as I'd mentioned 12 weeks ago, it was and still very much the same...it's very calm, no pressure, and no apparent stress...It is so relaxing, and yet, looking to my cluster-mates here, they've done a very professional job in doing their tasks smoothly and fluently...There's a little bit few hitches here and there, but overall, they've handle it pretty good...

I just wondered if for all this time, I actually took 'advantages' of these calmness of this place, which made me doing something not very seriously...I do feel guilty of not doing my job properly, or as it should be...been lagging here and there, everywhere..

Wanna ask me if I could continue on as a researcher here? Well, there is some chance, although I still have to go through the proper channel and follow some protocols, like, a CV to HR, interviews, and so on...but, the real question is that, wanna ask me if this is what I always wanted to be?

These question are always hard to answer, even it sound so easy...People take a lot of paths and a lot of turns, left, right, forward, or U-turn...Each will have a different outcome of their journey, of what they will become...My soul (or my 'silent' heart) tells me to do what I think I'll do the best - post production editing...but, as usual, my mind will always try to persuade me to "do this first" and "do that then" and so on...Like I said before, mind is not always that evil...even if it means to sacrifice something that I like, or love for all this time...and there will be times when both mind and heart are in the very same wavelength, both will agree that there are certain path that, should I figured it out, will bring me even CLOSER and NEARER to HIM...

So, I will not write out the possibility of being a researcher, one day..I also have a dream to continue further studies, Master or PHD...one can always dream, you know, as DREAMS ARE NOT FOR ROOKIES, GIVING UP IS (this is what Phil rectified later on when he sees Hercules are beaten and bruised, looked as there is no hope..."I'm ready to go the distance, how about you?"...typical Disney movie again)..

In the end, I'm going to miss this place...a lot...there's still so much more to deliver, yet so little progress from me ;o...I'll also have to leave the 14th Colleague of UPM...It's been a pleasure to have a roommate like Daus with me (sebnarnye, aku yg mencelah bilik die, huhuh)..

We'll see again in the near future...can't wait for another new chapter! Wassalam..

This is Mr Razi, my junior at STAR..of course, junior in age, but SENIOR in maturity..huhuu...

Catchy song dedicated to me, to reduce the after effects of that stupid mind of mine...huhuhu..

Temporary,
But that's the way it has to be

It's in my heart,
I felt your world has come to rest,
As if you're out on your last breath,
And slowly fading with these days we choose to miss,
Keep holding on,
It's not to late
Don't make this seem,
As if there's nothing left to be
There's so much more to life
We tend to just forget
Don't forget

It's just
Temporary,
But give it time to know it's real
Before you're ready
To face it and begin to heal
Your life's worth living
For someone give their all to feel
Their heart's stopped beating
So give yourself another chance to change
With tomorrow comes a better day

It's time to start
To face the things that you fear most
To know you're better off alone
To stand up fighting with your will to carry on
It's only then
Will you see sides that you don't know
You're finding paths just take them slow
And step by step you'll find
It's easy to forget
Don't forget

It's just
Temporary,
But give it time to know it's real
Before you're ready
To face it and begin to heal
Your life's worth living
For someone give their all to feel
Their heart's stopped beating
So give yourself another chance to say

Swear you'll live by what you know
You'll take it in don't let it go
More times than not we let them fall

It's just
Temporary,
But give it time to know it's real
Before you're ready
To face it and begin to heal
Your life's worth living
For someone give their all to feel
Their heart's stopped beating

It's just temporary,
Well that's the way it has to be
But ordinary
It takes away from everything
It's just temporary
But that's the way it has to be


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Hi there? craving for my 1st 2008 entry? of course you do...As usual, I took some time to fine-tune this entry...Hopefully I can make it as interesting as I could...

After reading the 'hot' entries from Jamal, Qider & Achik in the past couple of months which yields the the on-going comments and debates until now, I think its time for me to share my 2 cents as well...

I have a story...a LOVE story (incik Gen, kalau bosan bleh skip terus)...Let me remind you that my story is quite possible the lowest/basic level of love, compared to what my other friends have written about their feelings, so don't expect some kind of anti-climax for the ending...in fact, it is so 'basic' that you wouldn't believe that I take it so seriously..."hahahah ni aje rupenye? poyo sungguh citer cintan camnih...", or something similar to that...well, I DO take it very seriously, simply because this feeling doesn't develop for merely couple of days...it took years and years, gone back to the lil' kids days...

For the start, let me tell you the good news is....I am neither being DUMPED/CLASHED nor REJECTED/PUSHED AWAY (I hope I didn't offense anybody)...that's a pretty good start, isn't it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sadly, that is just as far as it goes...

Let me take this story as long as 16-17 years ago...I was...emmm, what??

As you can see from above, I've actually completed the whole part of my story, started from the early 'encounter' with her, up until now...but I decided that I couldn't put it here for various reasons I couldn't tell...I keep that one on my other unpublished entries...whether it will see the light of day or not, I don't know...but if you can decode the words in the picture, then you'll know one-third of my story...

Instead, let me tell you the story about the 'conflict' inside me...there are two 'entities' in me that sometimes they could agree, but most of the time, it's like a war...one of the being tried to demoralized me, while the other tried to calm me...

These two are my MIND and my SOUL...guess which one is which?

If you asked, I could not really differenciate both of it...I put is as..MIND comes from the BRAIN...SOUL comes from the HEART ...ummm I don't get it either..

so, in a common sense, I would put my heart way much above than my brain, since it touches deep inside my soul, than simply i had think nonsense all the time...well, it doesn't always work that way...it depends on your WILL of which of these two should be stronger...having said that, to have a brain that thinks isn't always that bad..and sometimes, the heart is full of 'dark spots' that may never see the light again...

let's analyze what I had in my MIND:

"It was MY FAULT! I'm a sore LOSER..."
"I feel SU*KS because I simply didn't tell her when I had the chance.."
"Why is it so hard to tell her the simple 3 words I LOVE YOU when it matters the most?"
"Why am I so SHY? why am I so NERVOUS? What did I actually FEAR?"
"For all this time I kept this feeling inside me, it has actually BURDEN me"
"I wish I NEVER had this feeling from the beginning if I knew this would happen"
"All the choices I made, the path I choose, all this time, actually leads me to NOWHERE"
"All the risk I'm well awared of which I supposedly could handle it...now i know that this risk IS NOT WORTH IT"
"I am SELFISH, I am DISHONEST, I am INSINCERE...not to mention, IDIOT"
"Maybe I was actually didn't CARE enough, or didn't even BOTHER to care at all"
"Something is MISSING inside me...I...feel...EMPTY..It..has...GONE"
"All this time, it was only an IMAGINATION...like a fairy-tale story"
"Dreams are for ROOKIES" (this is what Phil said to Hercules early on in that Disney movie)
"I'm just DELUSIONAL...I'm just HALLUCINATE for something that wasn't there"
"I am just CRUEL to myself"
"Maybe I should KNOCK my head on the wall and let's some sense coming in, come back to the REAL world, and smell the RED roses..."
"Oh well, its only SOUR GRAPES*...I don't really have any feelings anyway..what love? HAHAHA"
"blablalbla (insert some other stupid mind boggling sentence here)"

(* - there is a story about a fox who noticed a bunch of juicy grapes high above the tree..he tried to reach it, but no matter how high he jumped or how hard he used the stick, he still unable to touch it..He even injured himself...Eventually, he gave up and said "It sure taste sour, so I didn't really want it anyway", and went away)

It is so overwhelming and too rapidly 'attacks' me that I almost couldn't handle it..I cried, thinking

"Why..oh, why..."...

Almost immediately, there's a song that I could relate directly, and instantly become my favorite song, period. One of the powerful verse: