Faltered....
assalamualaikum...
"I almost there....The finish line is just in front of me........I was close...THIS close (the signal of your thumb and index finger close to each other)...There's only a few blocks away....and then....
...WHAMMM!!!...everything is shattered....
EVERYTHING....what i'd dreamed of...what i'd planned....has been ripped and thorn apart...everything is destroyed...
It's all over...there's nothing left is there for me...It's all gone...It's hopeless...
I feel the emptiness inside me....i'm depressed....i'm unmotivated....I feel so lost....
...so close, yet so far away...."
This is the kind of feeling I had for quite some time...although this kind of feelings have lessen, sometimes when it comes, it'll haunt me and make me sit still and wonder for a while...yeah, this feeling is s*cks...and I really don't like it...but of course, its happening to me, and I already made a choice...I decided to let it go for time being, and hope for a new, fresh start of me...
But to hope is not enough...I need to change....change myself...my ATTITUDE...this is my primary problem for the past couple of years...but why it is still unresolved until now, there's a BIG question in that...
This kind of experience is not the first time, and certainly not the last...but I have one major 'glitch' happened about 2 years ago....I've been 'given' the chance to taste it so I can learn from it, be stronger and prepared for the next downfall...
Apparently, looks like I didn't even learned (or maybe cared) at all...so I've been caught unguarded again this time...(or maybe actually, I've 'expected' this is bound to happen when looking at myself and the things I've done :p)...Compared to last time, the one I'm having now is more severe and it also affects the people around me as well...I've let them down...my parents, my friends, my lecturers...most important, I let MYSELF down...and it's all my fault...my fault....
Since it's been decided, by me, on my own, I should have no reason to regret...although sometimes, I still wonder why I did it...my friends tried to persuade me and it makes me feel a bit unsettled and I hestitated sometimes...but in the end, it doesn't matter...I have made an unreversible damage and I should face it...I should be ready with the consenquences...I only hope that things will become better afterwards...that's part and parcel of life....you can't always expected everything is easy and going on well all the time...I always believe that life is like a wheel (I've mentioned about this a couple of times in my past entries), and currently, I am at the bottom side of it, again...So, to bring my self back on top, I need strength to turn the wheel, or my life will never move on...For starters, let's try with the easy things to do first:
1) try to defeat shyness and be more confident
2) take every work given more seriously
3) learn to DRIVE!!! (wierd, huh?)
and everything else will go on smooth as silk, InsyaAllah...
However, once at the top, I need to realized that the next downfall is just around the corner...While it is inevitable, the thing that I can do is to keep myself physically,mentally and spiritually strong so I can turn the wheel very quickly, and brings me back to the top...
(whether this is just an empty talk, this remains to be seen...)
While I hope to be more independent (and it's about time, I'm 23 now!!), I have to realize that I couldn't do ANYTHING all by my own, and still need the help of all those people
around me...so thank you for all the support given to me...It it weren't from you, I may not stand around this far...and I promise to help you anything I can with all my might...
one final note, I always pray and believe Allah will show me the path whichever that'll take me near and dear to Him (this word sounds familiar, doesn't it? ':)')...Although, as a normal human being who sometimes forgets, and being frailed most of the time, always remember that He will always be with us no matter what happens...It doesn't matter how many times we stumbled and faltered throughout our entire life, but the most important things is that we should always pray and hope that we achieved success in the Afterlife, InsyaAllah...
Actually, I feel a bit calmer after writing this...it is nice to 'burst' once in a while, and feel relieved afterwards...
"I almost there....The finish line is just in front of me........I was close...THIS close (the signal of your thumb and index finger close to each other)...There's only a few blocks away....and then....
...WHAMMM!!!...everything is shattered....
EVERYTHING....what i'd dreamed of...what i'd planned....has been ripped and thorn apart...everything is destroyed...
It's all over...there's nothing left is there for me...It's all gone...It's hopeless...
I feel the emptiness inside me....i'm depressed....i'm unmotivated....I feel so lost....
...so close, yet so far away...."
This is the kind of feeling I had for quite some time...although this kind of feelings have lessen, sometimes when it comes, it'll haunt me and make me sit still and wonder for a while...yeah, this feeling is s*cks...and I really don't like it...but of course, its happening to me, and I already made a choice...I decided to let it go for time being, and hope for a new, fresh start of me...
But to hope is not enough...I need to change....change myself...my ATTITUDE...this is my primary problem for the past couple of years...but why it is still unresolved until now, there's a BIG question in that...
This kind of experience is not the first time, and certainly not the last...but I have one major 'glitch' happened about 2 years ago....I've been 'given' the chance to taste it so I can learn from it, be stronger and prepared for the next downfall...
Apparently, looks like I didn't even learned (or maybe cared) at all...so I've been caught unguarded again this time...(or maybe actually, I've 'expected' this is bound to happen when looking at myself and the things I've done :p)...Compared to last time, the one I'm having now is more severe and it also affects the people around me as well...I've let them down...my parents, my friends, my lecturers...most important, I let MYSELF down...and it's all my fault...my fault....
Since it's been decided, by me, on my own, I should have no reason to regret...although sometimes, I still wonder why I did it...my friends tried to persuade me and it makes me feel a bit unsettled and I hestitated sometimes...but in the end, it doesn't matter...I have made an unreversible damage and I should face it...I should be ready with the consenquences...I only hope that things will become better afterwards...that's part and parcel of life....you can't always expected everything is easy and going on well all the time...I always believe that life is like a wheel (I've mentioned about this a couple of times in my past entries), and currently, I am at the bottom side of it, again...So, to bring my self back on top, I need strength to turn the wheel, or my life will never move on...For starters, let's try with the easy things to do first:
1) try to defeat shyness and be more confident
2) take every work given more seriously
3) learn to DRIVE!!! (wierd, huh?)
and everything else will go on smooth as silk, InsyaAllah...
However, once at the top, I need to realized that the next downfall is just around the corner...While it is inevitable, the thing that I can do is to keep myself physically,mentally and spiritually strong so I can turn the wheel very quickly, and brings me back to the top...
(whether this is just an empty talk, this remains to be seen...)
While I hope to be more independent (and it's about time, I'm 23 now!!), I have to realize that I couldn't do ANYTHING all by my own, and still need the help of all those people
around me...so thank you for all the support given to me...It it weren't from you, I may not stand around this far...and I promise to help you anything I can with all my might...
one final note, I always pray and believe Allah will show me the path whichever that'll take me near and dear to Him (this word sounds familiar, doesn't it? ':)')...Although, as a normal human being who sometimes forgets, and being frailed most of the time, always remember that He will always be with us no matter what happens...It doesn't matter how many times we stumbled and faltered throughout our entire life, but the most important things is that we should always pray and hope that we achieved success in the Afterlife, InsyaAllah...
Actually, I feel a bit calmer after writing this...it is nice to 'burst' once in a while, and feel relieved afterwards...
yes.. i agree with one of ur point: learn to DRIVE..
why? next sem u can buy a car n then bawak awek merate2 ko nak...
bile nak berawek shaggy oi...
Posted by
Anonymous |
Sunday, March 26, 2006 6:54:00 AM
yeszz.. changed your attitude..! satu kelemahan terbesar ko ialah..hari2 yang ko lalui macam takde peningkatan.. stail yang sama atau pon lebih teruk. sorry my friend i have to say this (because u are my friend..kalu orang lain pegila mamposz). but u'll never wake up untill someone 'wakes' u up (ataupon kejadian2 tertentu yg boleh menyedarkan ko).keyakinan n pengharapan ko terhadap rahmat Allah memang pada tahap terbaik..yes itu memang betul. tapi praktikal ko kurang.. itu kesilapan yang harus diyakini n u have to avoid it.Al Ghazali cakap dalam ihya Ulumuddin,seorang yng penuh ilmu didada tanpa amal, seumpama seorang di tengah2 medan perang,yg punya banyak pedang di tangan, tapi tak tau menggunakannya. Remember my friend..u can't get any better unless u take more risk. emm.. ko tau kan, Makhluk paling jahat kat atas muka bumi ni,,yg sampai hari kiamat nak menghancurkan umat manusia(khususnya org muslim)--> tak lain tak bukan adalah {setan}. kenape ko surf,men game,download itu, ini..(yg sebenarnye bukanlah keperluan utama buat mase sekarang ni..)sampai pagi baru nak tido,,penah tak ko pikir..ade makhluk kat belakang ko yg selalu menghasut utk buat sesuatu yg boleh 'menyimpang' kan ko dari STUDY. dan yg paling penting..ko akan banyak tangguhkan keje2 yg sepatutnye ko bolah habiskan harini..ke hari esok..atau minggu depanlah.. hanye kerana ko bangun LAMBAT,,kengkadang tu sampai ke lepas zohor. ko pon tau kan..setan2 tu meloncat2 gembira kerana mereka melihat seorang hamba Allah yg yakin terhadap kekuasaan Tuhannya, tapi amalan masih lagi kelam kabut..usaha tak berapa tapi mengharap yg baik2 belaka. (maaf sekali lagi ya..but i have to say this...i've experienced this situation, once u win,,once setan will win).ingat shaggy,u'll be someone one day..u'll be a husband,father..n member in a community.ape keutamaan ko sekarang ni ialah..settlekan degree ko. n berazamlah utk menjadi seorang yg praktikal..bukan hanye ilmu yang tersemat hebat di dada.kenape aku tekankan praktikal..?kerana aku dah melaluinya..hanya praktikal@amal yang mampu membentuk peribadi hebat,dan kita akan tersenyum melihat ilmu kita ada hasilnya..iaitu amalan.umpama pokok yang dibaja dengan baik...akan menghasilkan buah yg baik..dan memberi manfaat kepada orang lain. kalau dibaling dengan batu,,dia tak membalas,,malah menjatuhkan buah untuk si pembaling..(itu adalah perumpamaan peribadi unggul Mukmin). Actually ko OK sebenarnye,aku memang kagum giler-babannya dengan ilmu2 komputer ko..(@sikap dahagakan ilmu pengetahuan, BAGUS tu..teruskan) n certain sikap positif ko berbanding kawan2 yang lain..cuma..em ko kene taula sendiri kelemahan ko..orait? aku pon banyak gak kelemahan..tapi kita kenalah sentiasa muhasabah diri..kena selalu tanya pada diri sendiri, kenapa aku gagal dalam membuat itu..ini,,? apa yg kurang..-->ko pun tau benda2 ni kan..takyah aku cakap. ok la shag..aku cakap banyak pon tak gune..n aku tulis panjang ni pon pasal lepas aku bace blog ko ni...macam dah dipendam bertahun tahun.. barulah boleh terhasil "karya" ko tu:-).. ok akhir kata, like a first word b4, change ur attitude. mohon maaf jika terkasar bahase ye :D
Posted by
Anonymous |
Saturday, May 06, 2006 10:47:00 PM