Tuesday, January 22, 2008 

Last Week of a Researcher's Log Book


Well, this is it...

I've finally completed my 3-months stint at TM R&D...and so, I've officially completed my 7-months INSEP uE course...

Although my last day was actually yesterday, today I still come to my cluster, since I didn't actually officially say farewell to them, yet...12 weeks have passed by, and I've been through a lot of ups and downs throughout this period...

But let's start with the obvious...about my task here...the active low pass filter...so, how did it go?..well, not quite as I expected...there were some promising results, only with a little bit more time, I could have actually made it...I felt that there's still a lot of room for improvements here and there that, had I trully FOCUS on doing it SERIOUSLY, then it will work charmly and brilliantly...

About the environment, as I'd mentioned 12 weeks ago, it was and still very much the same...it's very calm, no pressure, and no apparent stress...It is so relaxing, and yet, looking to my cluster-mates here, they've done a very professional job in doing their tasks smoothly and fluently...There's a little bit few hitches here and there, but overall, they've handle it pretty good...

I just wondered if for all this time, I actually took 'advantages' of these calmness of this place, which made me doing something not very seriously...I do feel guilty of not doing my job properly, or as it should be...been lagging here and there, everywhere..

Wanna ask me if I could continue on as a researcher here? Well, there is some chance, although I still have to go through the proper channel and follow some protocols, like, a CV to HR, interviews, and so on...but, the real question is that, wanna ask me if this is what I always wanted to be?

These question are always hard to answer, even it sound so easy...People take a lot of paths and a lot of turns, left, right, forward, or U-turn...Each will have a different outcome of their journey, of what they will become...My soul (or my 'silent' heart) tells me to do what I think I'll do the best - post production editing...but, as usual, my mind will always try to persuade me to "do this first" and "do that then" and so on...Like I said before, mind is not always that evil...even if it means to sacrifice something that I like, or love for all this time...and there will be times when both mind and heart are in the very same wavelength, both will agree that there are certain path that, should I figured it out, will bring me even CLOSER and NEARER to HIM...

So, I will not write out the possibility of being a researcher, one day..I also have a dream to continue further studies, Master or PHD...one can always dream, you know, as DREAMS ARE NOT FOR ROOKIES, GIVING UP IS (this is what Phil rectified later on when he sees Hercules are beaten and bruised, looked as there is no hope..."I'm ready to go the distance, how about you?"...typical Disney movie again)..

In the end, I'm going to miss this place...a lot...there's still so much more to deliver, yet so little progress from me ;o...I'll also have to leave the 14th Colleague of UPM...It's been a pleasure to have a roommate like Daus with me (sebnarnye, aku yg mencelah bilik die, huhuh)..

We'll see again in the near future...can't wait for another new chapter! Wassalam..

This is Mr Razi, my junior at STAR..of course, junior in age, but SENIOR in maturity..huhuu...

bro Fallah, as sempoi and as 'gile-gile' as ever

This is my supervisor, Mr Ahmadun...always cool and calm huhuhu..

This is also another one of my junior, Mr Hakim..actually, he is from the uE cluster...smart and good looking, a good package for girls (tp ko mmg dah ade dah, kan? hehehe)

This is the HOC, Mr Wan Razli aka To' We..friendly and easy going..

and finally, kak Nabihah, the only woman in the cluster..She was an ex-lecturer of UTHM, and she is the one who brought me and Daus here...

Welcome to our room...Mr Daus and me

There's only one bed here..but DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA!...I've brought my own inflatable mattress, as you can see at my feet...shhhessshhh!!

A view of UPM-MTDC from outside of our window...

Yup...remember this number...3-0-8...

Spooky block...why? even it is L7, there are times it becomes 'P7' or some sort of it...au auu darn...

Saturday, January 19, 2008 


Catchy song dedicated to me, to reduce the after effects of that stupid mind of mine...huhuhu..

But that's the way it has to be

It's in my heart,
I felt your world has come to rest,
As if you're out on your last breath,
And slowly fading with these days we choose to miss,
Keep holding on,
It's not to late
Don't make this seem,
As if there's nothing left to be
There's so much more to life
We tend to just forget
Don't forget

It's just
But give it time to know it's real
Before you're ready
To face it and begin to heal
Your life's worth living
For someone give their all to feel
Their heart's stopped beating
So give yourself another chance to change
With tomorrow comes a better day

It's time to start
To face the things that you fear most
To know you're better off alone
To stand up fighting with your will to carry on
It's only then
Will you see sides that you don't know
You're finding paths just take them slow
And step by step you'll find
It's easy to forget
Don't forget

It's just
But give it time to know it's real
Before you're ready
To face it and begin to heal
Your life's worth living
For someone give their all to feel
Their heart's stopped beating
So give yourself another chance to say

Swear you'll live by what you know
You'll take it in don't let it go
More times than not we let them fall

It's just
But give it time to know it's real
Before you're ready
To face it and begin to heal
Your life's worth living
For someone give their all to feel
Their heart's stopped beating

It's just temporary,
Well that's the way it has to be
But ordinary
It takes away from everything
It's just temporary
But that's the way it has to be

FREE service provided by MusicWebTown.com

Amber Pacific - Temporary
Truth In Sincerity [2007]

Friday, January 18, 2008 

Let This Silent Heart be Always with You, Dear :)

Hi there? craving for my 1st 2008 entry? of course you do...As usual, I took some time to fine-tune this entry...Hopefully I can make it as interesting as I could...

After reading the 'hot' entries from Jamal, Qider & Achik in the past couple of months which yields the the on-going comments and debates until now, I think its time for me to share my 2 cents as well...

I have a story...a LOVE story (incik Gen, kalau bosan bleh skip terus)...Let me remind you that my story is quite possible the lowest/basic level of love, compared to what my other friends have written about their feelings, so don't expect some kind of anti-climax for the ending...in fact, it is so 'basic' that you wouldn't believe that I take it so seriously..."hahahah ni aje rupenye? poyo sungguh citer cintan camnih...", or something similar to that...well, I DO take it very seriously, simply because this feeling doesn't develop for merely couple of days...it took years and years, gone back to the lil' kids days...

For the start, let me tell you the good news is....I am neither being DUMPED/CLASHED nor REJECTED/PUSHED AWAY (I hope I didn't offense anybody)...that's a pretty good start, isn't it?
Sadly, that is just as far as it goes...

Let me take this story as long as 16-17 years ago...I was...emmm, what??


As you can see from above, I've actually completed the whole part of my story, started from the early 'encounter' with her, up until now...but I decided that I couldn't put it here for various reasons I couldn't tell...I keep that one on my other unpublished entries...whether it will see the light of day or not, I don't know...but if you can decode the words in the picture, then you'll know one-third of my story...

Instead, let me tell you the story about the 'conflict' inside me...there are two 'entities' in me that sometimes they could agree, but most of the time, it's like a war...one of the being tried to demoralized me, while the other tried to calm me...

These two are my MIND and my SOUL...guess which one is which?

If you asked, I could not really differenciate both of it...I put is as..MIND comes from the BRAIN...SOUL comes from the HEART ...ummm I don't get it either..

so, in a common sense, I would put my heart way much above than my brain, since it touches deep inside my soul, than simply i had think nonsense all the time...well, it doesn't always work that way...it depends on your WILL of which of these two should be stronger...having said that, to have a brain that thinks isn't always that bad..and sometimes, the heart is full of 'dark spots' that may never see the light again...

let's analyze what I had in my MIND:

"It was MY FAULT! I'm a sore LOSER..."
"I feel SU*KS because I simply didn't tell her when I had the chance.."
"Why is it so hard to tell her the simple 3 words I LOVE YOU when it matters the most?"
"Why am I so SHY? why am I so NERVOUS? What did I actually FEAR?"
"For all this time I kept this feeling inside me, it has actually BURDEN me"
"I wish I NEVER had this feeling from the beginning if I knew this would happen"
"All the choices I made, the path I choose, all this time, actually leads me to NOWHERE"
"All the risk I'm well awared of which I supposedly could handle it...now i know that this risk IS NOT WORTH IT"
"I am SELFISH, I am DISHONEST, I am INSINCERE...not to mention, IDIOT"
"Maybe I was actually didn't CARE enough, or didn't even BOTHER to care at all"
"Something is MISSING inside me...I...feel...EMPTY..It..has...GONE"
"All this time, it was only an IMAGINATION...like a fairy-tale story"
"Dreams are for ROOKIES" (this is what Phil said to Hercules early on in that Disney movie)
"I'm just DELUSIONAL...I'm just HALLUCINATE for something that wasn't there"
"I am just CRUEL to myself"
"Maybe I should KNOCK my head on the wall and let's some sense coming in, come back to the REAL world, and smell the RED roses..."
"Oh well, its only SOUR GRAPES*...I don't really have any feelings anyway..what love? HAHAHA"
"blablalbla (insert some other stupid mind boggling sentence here)"

(* - there is a story about a fox who noticed a bunch of juicy grapes high above the tree..he tried to reach it, but no matter how high he jumped or how hard he used the stick, he still unable to touch it..He even injured himself...Eventually, he gave up and said "It sure taste sour, so I didn't really want it anyway", and went away)

It is so overwhelming and too rapidly 'attacks' me that I almost couldn't handle it..I cried, thinking

"Why..oh, why..."...

Almost immediately, there's a song that I could relate directly, and instantly become my favorite song, period. One of the powerful verse:

"I should've told you everything,
I never gave you anything,
I should've told you everything,
If I could give you anything,
Then I would tell you everything"

[press play to listen..]

Yellowcard - Keeper
Paper Walls [2007]
(full lyrics)

So, where's the part of not being dumped nor rejected? It is the part where I was NEITHER in those conditions to be dumped nor rejected in the very first place..that's why I told you that this is a basic/lowest level of being in love...you could say that it simply an 'angau', 'syok sendiri' or 'perasans'...this is what my MIND has said...Or, maybe the actual word that I should be looking for is between these two (based on the CIDE Dictionary):

CRUSH [ATTRACTION] - a strong but temporary attraction for someone
INFATUATION - having a strong but not usually lasting feeling of love or attraction for someone or something

But then again, where is that 'temporary' or 'not usually lasting feeling' part inside me?

And yet...there's another 'being' inside me..the one I should rely upon, the one that cares more than any other 'being' whatsoever in me, if there is any other...Instead of me knocking my head on the wall, like my mind told me to (which surely going to hurt me and makes it bleed...not a pleasant one, though), something DID come and knock me out of this stupid mind...


My 'SILENT' HEART has AWAKENED...This is the one that actually I missed for so long...This is what I craved for..It emerges deep inside from my soul, comforts me, and helps me about everything I take for granted...include being in Love...

"Dear 'me', I am your silent heart, your soul...I sensed that you feel down. You feel gloomy. You feel as it is your fault that things don't go your way. I sensed that you blamed yourself that you did fall in LOVE.I sensed that you feel you lost your chance when it was there.."

"I am here to tell you the actual reason for you to have all those filthiest mind that haunted you...I want you to look DEEPER inside me, and you will see a VERY LARGE space inside me that that you are missing..This is the space that should be filled all the time..."

"I...couldn't see it..or...I...don't know.."

"You have forgotten all this time that, GOD is the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful, Most Loving of all the beings that dwells on this earth and the universe...Our Lord never misses not a single speck of time when giving you all the LOVE you need, unconditionally...He never sleeps; He always there for you, He hears your plea, your wish, your prayers. Our Lord CARES deeply for you even when you never know it...even when you actually forgotten Him, He never forgets us.."


"You also forgotten the Prophet (pbuh)...Our messenger has lost the love of his mother, father and grandfather early on his life, but he himself never stop believing that there is love...and he gave us the biggest love of all for the ummah - The Path To Seek Thy Lord. He taught us to follow this path because he LOVES us, he does not want his ummah to sway and follow the devil..and yet, today, how many of us love him by follows his teaching, his sunnah? how often do you remember him?"


"And, you also forgotten the rest of the LOVE there is...your mother, who borns you, and together with your father, both who feeds you, bathe you, raised you...your family, your teacher, and your friends...and She IS one of your friends..."

"But...she isn't simply my 'normal' friend...I never think of her that way...I always think that..."

"Yes, I know...she is very 'special' to you...I know this for a very long time, and what you have actually wished for a long time..."

"For all this time, for so long, I put this feeling inside me, wanting to tell her that I LOVE HER...but, it is my fault for letting the chances go by...I feel like I'm an idiot of having this feeling from the start, when I should have known this all along that it wasn't meant to be this way.."

"You have let your mind endulged you again...LISTEN TO ME, for I am your silent heart...Trust your pure soul...BELIEVE me that you are NOT an idiot because of falling in love...your feeling is GENUINE, SINCERE and HONEST deep inside from me..it is the SWEETEST feeling you ever had...Please do not blamed yourself, for it is nobody's fault. Not you, not her, not anyone...This gloomy feeling of yours is actually NORMAL, and even HEALTHY..This shows that you are truly CARED for her, no pretense..This is what makes you what you are right now, TRUE to yourself..This makes you a HUMAN being after all..At this point, you will LEARN how to overcome your FEAR, your SHYNESS, your NERVOUSNESS.."

"I always wished for her to be the one for me..but why I couldn't?"

"You must understand that to love is not always the same as to marry, to have a companion, to have a soulmate, even I know that is what you wished for. Everybody wishes the same thing. You have to remember,that marriage itself is a VERY BIG responsibility. It's so big that a lot of people actually did not understand what its all about. It is not simply a simple 3 magical words and then, poof, there's your happy family..A lot of them even failed their task, miserably...You have to BELIEVE that our Lord works in mysterious ways...He, with all His WISDOM, knows what is best for you...this is even I do not know the actual answer..It could be that you are not 'there', yet...It might be that this responsibility is a little bit overwhelming, even if you feel that you could..It could also be that you need to be PATIENCE, which is another noble deeds. It could also be that He wants you to look inside me that there is more to the world that you haven't seen yet, that there is certain someone out there,waiting for you somewhere for you to seek. By that time, it will come naturally inside you, inside me..and you will be able to tell this certain someone WITHOUT fear.."

"Is this means that...I should stop thinking about her? Should I stop loving her? Forget as this never happens?"

"Why is that so? How could you ever dare wanting to forget the sweet moments and memories that you have had with her?..but I'm not surprise, for that is what mind is all about...to have the ability to think about something, but also to 'forget' something, sometimes...if there's something, someone, somehow, someway, creeps inside and touches me, it will stay there forever, and those cherished moment will permanently stays in me...Ask yourself, which girl, amongst those that you have known and met, who you rather let to make her mark inside me? who is your very first love? You will realized that you should be proud, be glad, that it is her all this time..even I myself couldn't imagine if I refuse her to mark me, or if there's some other girl who mark me first, what would have become of you.

In fact, let me tell you this little secret...I always want her to be the 1st 'special' person in me :)...that's why, it is ME that provokes this feeling from the very beginning..this genuine feeling of yours comes from ME...you may wonder why I did that...Unlike your mind, you and I are always ONE, as you are bond to your soul deeper and stronger than any other...it is YOU who actually want this, then it comes down to your soul, for ME to provoke it.."

"Then what should I do now?"

"Well, for a start, TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER..."

"I...I don't know...I mean..I couldn't...It wouldn't make anymore difference, would it?"

"That depends of what kind of difference you want it to...If it is 'that' one, then this is the part that you have to accept with DIGNITY that everything happens for a reason..What is never meant to be yours shouldn't be yours...Learn from this EXPERIENCE, and ATTEMPT to take a small steps to let it go, to get over it and to move on, as she is moving on, too...

But of course, there WILL BE a difference, between you and her, albeit in another 'form'..just tell her that you love her, deep inside me, from the soul, with your voice in front of her...tell her how she means to you...tell her how she made me (your heart) soared all the times and all the moments worthwhile...tell her that you will give her as much as help, comfort, and all the care you have...Insyaallah, God Willing, she will do the very same thing to you...Possibly, she might actually say that she loves you too.."

"But I might not be seeing her for a while...very, VERY while...not until her 'happy' days.."

"Tell her right HERE...after all, this is what blogs are for, and I know that you have done this a lot of time...to share with the reader around the world how you feel for certain something, or someone in this case...but still, if there is a chance to meet here sooner, take the chance and tell her..."

"Dear my silent heart...Thank you for being in me for all the time..during my hard times and my tough times...I LOVE YOU DEAR SILENT HEART"

"(blushing)...I love you too...

Let me remind you, that I may not be able to be with you just in time when your mind has taken over you, but I WILL COME to you and I'll always be the one to cheer you up...you will always feel HAPPY or SAD, LOVE or HATE, JOY or SORROW...both me and your mind may beg to differ sometimes, to argue about a lot of things, but that is what makes who you are, what you are, as a normal human being...In fact, both of us actually agrees on one thing, that whatever we are doing, it makes you 'you'...

I've created a special room inside me and I've already filled her in...There's still quite an 'uncharted' space in me for you to fill the one true love. THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY..there is still much more to explore...I wish you luck...Godspeed you!"


and so, my silent heart has rescued me, time and time again...I would not say that I am fully 'immune' to this type of mind-tricks...in fact, sometimes, at this very moment, or any moment for that matter (as of the time I write this...of course, I lied on the published date again..), these mind will come and haunt me again...but as long as I have my silent heart, I know that it will never abandon me..hopefully, I'll stay true as me, myself and I for all the time..

"Dear God, I'm grateful to you for having me to live in the same timeline as her...I could not really imagine what would I become if I never know her..."

"Many thanks to Abah (or probably, his boss), for the change in workplace that required us to move from the East Coast to the Northern Peninsular ...and also sending me to 'that' school...and to my Mama, for 'forcing' me to eventually go and recite the Quran at 'that' place, my 1st encounter with her.."

"And to you dear :), let my 'silent' heart be always with you, as you are always in me forever...let me tell you that I will always LOVE you, no matter where you are, wherever you go..I am proud to have you as my special, best girl-friend that I ever had..I promised you that whenever you are HAPPY, then I'm HAPPY, as your HAPPINESS will always be my HAPPINESS too...And let me tell you, sincerely from my silent heart, that you have the PERFECT to-be-husband, which suites you as the PERFECT to-be-wife...I wish and pray for God to Bless you two always, live happily ever after, and have cute lil' kids... Take care, dear"

"Shah, kita ni kawan sampai bila-bila, tau...Saya takkan lupakan kawan baik macam awak :)"

the REAL blessings jar <3

PS - This is the BEST ever entry I wrote in my 3 years of blogging...

My silent heart dedicated this song to me...it is about how I should always rely to the Almighty for all the time, even when things looks hopeless..

"And if I fall through these days that go by without cause
Just a painful mistake has left me here on my own
And if I fall through these nights I can't seem to go on
Just a sign that You're with me gives me the strength to hold on"

[once again...press play to listen...]

Amber Pacific - If I Fall
The Possibility and the Promise [2005]
(full lyrics)

About Me

  • I'm Shah-Azz, Inc.
  • From Putra Permai, Selangor, Malaysia
  • Excellence Forever...
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