« Home | The Last Tag of 2007 » | Year Ending Blog of 2007 » | Electronics DIY Part V merangkap Perihal Kija » | Perihal Kawin Bulan 11 » | One Week of a Researcher's Log Book » | Your Guardian Angel » | You're Hired! (We're Just Mocking You :p) » | Aktiviti BP Mall - Bukak posa di Pizza Hut & Menja... » | My Nike Advert » | CCTET '07 »

Friday, January 18, 2008 

Let This Silent Heart be Always with You, Dear :)

Hi there? craving for my 1st 2008 entry? of course you do...As usual, I took some time to fine-tune this entry...Hopefully I can make it as interesting as I could...

After reading the 'hot' entries from Jamal, Qider & Achik in the past couple of months which yields the the on-going comments and debates until now, I think its time for me to share my 2 cents as well...

I have a story...a LOVE story (incik Gen, kalau bosan bleh skip terus)...Let me remind you that my story is quite possible the lowest/basic level of love, compared to what my other friends have written about their feelings, so don't expect some kind of anti-climax for the ending...in fact, it is so 'basic' that you wouldn't believe that I take it so seriously..."hahahah ni aje rupenye? poyo sungguh citer cintan camnih...", or something similar to that...well, I DO take it very seriously, simply because this feeling doesn't develop for merely couple of days...it took years and years, gone back to the lil' kids days...

For the start, let me tell you the good news is....I am neither being DUMPED/CLASHED nor REJECTED/PUSHED AWAY (I hope I didn't offense anybody)...that's a pretty good start, isn't it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sadly, that is just as far as it goes...

Let me take this story as long as 16-17 years ago...I was...emmm, what??

[snip]
[snip]

As you can see from above, I've actually completed the whole part of my story, started from the early 'encounter' with her, up until now...but I decided that I couldn't put it here for various reasons I couldn't tell...I keep that one on my other unpublished entries...whether it will see the light of day or not, I don't know...but if you can decode the words in the picture, then you'll know one-third of my story...

Instead, let me tell you the story about the 'conflict' inside me...there are two 'entities' in me that sometimes they could agree, but most of the time, it's like a war...one of the being tried to demoralized me, while the other tried to calm me...

These two are my MIND and my SOUL...guess which one is which?

If you asked, I could not really differenciate both of it...I put is as..MIND comes from the BRAIN...SOUL comes from the HEART ...ummm I don't get it either..

so, in a common sense, I would put my heart way much above than my brain, since it touches deep inside my soul, than simply i had think nonsense all the time...well, it doesn't always work that way...it depends on your WILL of which of these two should be stronger...having said that, to have a brain that thinks isn't always that bad..and sometimes, the heart is full of 'dark spots' that may never see the light again...

let's analyze what I had in my MIND:

"It was MY FAULT! I'm a sore LOSER..."
"I feel SU*KS because I simply didn't tell her when I had the chance.."
"Why is it so hard to tell her the simple 3 words I LOVE YOU when it matters the most?"
"Why am I so SHY? why am I so NERVOUS? What did I actually FEAR?"
"For all this time I kept this feeling inside me, it has actually BURDEN me"
"I wish I NEVER had this feeling from the beginning if I knew this would happen"
"All the choices I made, the path I choose, all this time, actually leads me to NOWHERE"
"All the risk I'm well awared of which I supposedly could handle it...now i know that this risk IS NOT WORTH IT"
"I am SELFISH, I am DISHONEST, I am INSINCERE...not to mention, IDIOT"
"Maybe I was actually didn't CARE enough, or didn't even BOTHER to care at all"
"Something is MISSING inside me...I...feel...EMPTY..It..has...GONE"
"All this time, it was only an IMAGINATION...like a fairy-tale story"
"Dreams are for ROOKIES" (this is what Phil said to Hercules early on in that Disney movie)
"I'm just DELUSIONAL...I'm just HALLUCINATE for something that wasn't there"
"I am just CRUEL to myself"
"Maybe I should KNOCK my head on the wall and let's some sense coming in, come back to the REAL world, and smell the RED roses..."
"Oh well, its only SOUR GRAPES*...I don't really have any feelings anyway..what love? HAHAHA"
"blablalbla (insert some other stupid mind boggling sentence here)"

(* - there is a story about a fox who noticed a bunch of juicy grapes high above the tree..he tried to reach it, but no matter how high he jumped or how hard he used the stick, he still unable to touch it..He even injured himself...Eventually, he gave up and said "It sure taste sour, so I didn't really want it anyway", and went away)

It is so overwhelming and too rapidly 'attacks' me that I almost couldn't handle it..I cried, thinking

"Why..oh, why..."...

Almost immediately, there's a song that I could relate directly, and instantly become my favorite song, period. One of the powerful verse:

"I should've told you everything,
I never gave you anything,
I should've told you everything,
If I could give you anything,
Then I would tell you everything"




[press play to listen..]


Yellowcard - Keeper
Paper Walls [2007]
(full lyrics)

So, where's the part of not being dumped nor rejected? It is the part where I was NEITHER in those conditions to be dumped nor rejected in the very first place..that's why I told you that this is a basic/lowest level of being in love...you could say that it simply an 'angau', 'syok sendiri' or 'perasans'...this is what my MIND has said...Or, maybe the actual word that I should be looking for is between these two (based on the CIDE Dictionary):

CRUSH [ATTRACTION] - a strong but temporary attraction for someone
INFATUATION - having a strong but not usually lasting feeling of love or attraction for someone or something

But then again, where is that 'temporary' or 'not usually lasting feeling' part inside me?

And yet...there's another 'being' inside me..the one I should rely upon, the one that cares more than any other 'being' whatsoever in me, if there is any other...Instead of me knocking my head on the wall, like my mind told me to (which surely going to hurt me and makes it bleed...not a pleasant one, though), something DID come and knock me out of this stupid mind...

"SNAP OUT OF IT!"

My 'SILENT' HEART has AWAKENED...This is the one that actually I missed for so long...This is what I craved for..It emerges deep inside from my soul, comforts me, and helps me about everything I take for granted...include being in Love...

"Dear 'me', I am your silent heart, your soul...I sensed that you feel down. You feel gloomy. You feel as it is your fault that things don't go your way. I sensed that you blamed yourself that you did fall in LOVE.I sensed that you feel you lost your chance when it was there.."

"I am here to tell you the actual reason for you to have all those filthiest mind that haunted you...I want you to look DEEPER inside me, and you will see a VERY LARGE space inside me that that you are missing..This is the space that should be filled all the time..."

"I...couldn't see it..or...I...don't know.."

"You have forgotten all this time that, GOD is the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful, Most Loving of all the beings that dwells on this earth and the universe...Our Lord never misses not a single speck of time when giving you all the LOVE you need, unconditionally...He never sleeps; He always there for you, He hears your plea, your wish, your prayers. Our Lord CARES deeply for you even when you never know it...even when you actually forgotten Him, He never forgets us.."

"..."

"You also forgotten the Prophet (pbuh)...Our messenger has lost the love of his mother, father and grandfather early on his life, but he himself never stop believing that there is love...and he gave us the biggest love of all for the ummah - The Path To Seek Thy Lord. He taught us to follow this path because he LOVES us, he does not want his ummah to sway and follow the devil..and yet, today, how many of us love him by follows his teaching, his sunnah? how often do you remember him?"

"I..that...is...correct.."

"And, you also forgotten the rest of the LOVE there is...your mother, who borns you, and together with your father, both who feeds you, bathe you, raised you...your family, your teacher, and your friends...and She IS one of your friends..."

"But...she isn't simply my 'normal' friend...I never think of her that way...I always think that..."

"Yes, I know...she is very 'special' to you...I know this for a very long time, and what you have actually wished for a long time..."

"For all this time, for so long, I put this feeling inside me, wanting to tell her that I LOVE HER...but, it is my fault for letting the chances go by...I feel like I'm an idiot of having this feeling from the start, when I should have known this all along that it wasn't meant to be this way.."

"You have let your mind endulged you again...LISTEN TO ME, for I am your silent heart...Trust your pure soul...BELIEVE me that you are NOT an idiot because of falling in love...your feeling is GENUINE, SINCERE and HONEST deep inside from me..it is the SWEETEST feeling you ever had...Please do not blamed yourself, for it is nobody's fault. Not you, not her, not anyone...This gloomy feeling of yours is actually NORMAL, and even HEALTHY..This shows that you are truly CARED for her, no pretense..This is what makes you what you are right now, TRUE to yourself..This makes you a HUMAN being after all..At this point, you will LEARN how to overcome your FEAR, your SHYNESS, your NERVOUSNESS.."

"I always wished for her to be the one for me..but why I couldn't?"

"You must understand that to love is not always the same as to marry, to have a companion, to have a soulmate, even I know that is what you wished for. Everybody wishes the same thing. You have to remember,that marriage itself is a VERY BIG responsibility. It's so big that a lot of people actually did not understand what its all about. It is not simply a simple 3 magical words and then, poof, there's your happy family..A lot of them even failed their task, miserably...You have to BELIEVE that our Lord works in mysterious ways...He, with all His WISDOM, knows what is best for you...this is even I do not know the actual answer..It could be that you are not 'there', yet...It might be that this responsibility is a little bit overwhelming, even if you feel that you could..It could also be that you need to be PATIENCE, which is another noble deeds. It could also be that He wants you to look inside me that there is more to the world that you haven't seen yet, that there is certain someone out there,waiting for you somewhere for you to seek. By that time, it will come naturally inside you, inside me..and you will be able to tell this certain someone WITHOUT fear.."

"Is this means that...I should stop thinking about her? Should I stop loving her? Forget as this never happens?"

"Why is that so? How could you ever dare wanting to forget the sweet moments and memories that you have had with her?..but I'm not surprise, for that is what mind is all about...to have the ability to think about something, but also to 'forget' something, sometimes...if there's something, someone, somehow, someway, creeps inside and touches me, it will stay there forever, and those cherished moment will permanently stays in me...Ask yourself, which girl, amongst those that you have known and met, who you rather let to make her mark inside me? who is your very first love? You will realized that you should be proud, be glad, that it is her all this time..even I myself couldn't imagine if I refuse her to mark me, or if there's some other girl who mark me first, what would have become of you.

In fact, let me tell you this little secret...I always want her to be the 1st 'special' person in me :)...that's why, it is ME that provokes this feeling from the very beginning..this genuine feeling of yours comes from ME...you may wonder why I did that...Unlike your mind, you and I are always ONE, as you are bond to your soul deeper and stronger than any other...it is YOU who actually want this, then it comes down to your soul, for ME to provoke it.."

"Then what should I do now?"

"Well, for a start, TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER..."

"I...I don't know...I mean..I couldn't...It wouldn't make anymore difference, would it?"

"That depends of what kind of difference you want it to...If it is 'that' one, then this is the part that you have to accept with DIGNITY that everything happens for a reason..What is never meant to be yours shouldn't be yours...Learn from this EXPERIENCE, and ATTEMPT to take a small steps to let it go, to get over it and to move on, as she is moving on, too...

But of course, there WILL BE a difference, between you and her, albeit in another 'form'..just tell her that you love her, deep inside me, from the soul, with your voice in front of her...tell her how she means to you...tell her how she made me (your heart) soared all the times and all the moments worthwhile...tell her that you will give her as much as help, comfort, and all the care you have...Insyaallah, God Willing, she will do the very same thing to you...Possibly, she might actually say that she loves you too.."

"But I might not be seeing her for a while...very, VERY while...not until her 'happy' days.."

"Tell her right HERE...after all, this is what blogs are for, and I know that you have done this a lot of time...to share with the reader around the world how you feel for certain something, or someone in this case...but still, if there is a chance to meet here sooner, take the chance and tell her..."

"Dear my silent heart...Thank you for being in me for all the time..during my hard times and my tough times...I LOVE YOU DEAR SILENT HEART"

"(blushing)...I love you too...

Let me remind you, that I may not be able to be with you just in time when your mind has taken over you, but I WILL COME to you and I'll always be the one to cheer you up...you will always feel HAPPY or SAD, LOVE or HATE, JOY or SORROW...both me and your mind may beg to differ sometimes, to argue about a lot of things, but that is what makes who you are, what you are, as a normal human being...In fact, both of us actually agrees on one thing, that whatever we are doing, it makes you 'you'...

I've created a special room inside me and I've already filled her in...There's still quite an 'uncharted' space in me for you to fill the one true love. THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY..there is still much more to explore...I wish you luck...Godspeed you!"

***

and so, my silent heart has rescued me, time and time again...I would not say that I am fully 'immune' to this type of mind-tricks...in fact, sometimes, at this very moment, or any moment for that matter (as of the time I write this...of course, I lied on the published date again..), these mind will come and haunt me again...but as long as I have my silent heart, I know that it will never abandon me..hopefully, I'll stay true as me, myself and I for all the time..

"Dear God, I'm grateful to you for having me to live in the same timeline as her...I could not really imagine what would I become if I never know her..."

"Many thanks to Abah (or probably, his boss), for the change in workplace that required us to move from the East Coast to the Northern Peninsular ...and also sending me to 'that' school...and to my Mama, for 'forcing' me to eventually go and recite the Quran at 'that' place, my 1st encounter with her.."

"And to you dear :), let my 'silent' heart be always with you, as you are always in me forever...let me tell you that I will always LOVE you, no matter where you are, wherever you go..I am proud to have you as my special, best girl-friend that I ever had..I promised you that whenever you are HAPPY, then I'm HAPPY, as your HAPPINESS will always be my HAPPINESS too...And let me tell you, sincerely from my silent heart, that you have the PERFECT to-be-husband, which suites you as the PERFECT to-be-wife...I wish and pray for God to Bless you two always, live happily ever after, and have cute lil' kids... Take care, dear"

"Shah, kita ni kawan sampai bila-bila, tau...Saya takkan lupakan kawan baik macam awak :)"

the REAL blessings jar <3

PS - This is the BEST ever entry I wrote in my 3 years of blogging...

My silent heart dedicated this song to me...it is about how I should always rely to the Almighty for all the time, even when things looks hopeless..

"And if I fall through these days that go by without cause
Just a painful mistake has left me here on my own
And if I fall through these nights I can't seem to go on
Just a sign that You're with me gives me the strength to hold on"





[once again...press play to listen...]

Amber Pacific - If I Fall
The Possibility and the Promise [2005]
(full lyrics)

1/18/2008 07:19:00 PM |

panjangnye..kecik plak 2 tulisan..
banyak masa dan tenaga abis tulis entry ni kan? ade 3 bulan? brape kJ abis tenaga ko?

bile wanita itu akan berkahwin? tahun ini kah? nak ajak aku skali ke time majlis nanti? tp seganle asik gi majlis kawin sorg2 nih.. bilala nak bawak gf..

all the best 2 you my friend. idup single mmg bosan tapi ade kelebihannya..

tgh tunggu gaji aku masuk ni aku blah le dr sri putra nih.. brapele gaji aku bulan ni..macam banyak je.. jom boling/karaoke/shopping/berpoya - poya/melepak/tgk wayang/dll dsb!

aha.. aku lagi sekali telah kepatahan hati.. uhuhu setiap masa aku terfikir pasal ayat rejection yg die kasi..

truk tul aku nih, abis sorang, cari org len lak.. nampak sangat x matangnye.. umo dah dekat 26, perangai cam bebudak lg.. apa harus dilakukan?

Posted by Blogger Unknown | Friday, January 25, 2008 9:26:00 AM   

as i read this entry, aku rs mcm aku boleh rskn ape yg ko rs. aku x nk bg nasihat sbb ape yg aku nk ckp sume ur 'silent heart' dh ckp. be strong shaggy... there's reason why things happen the way it is.

ko lelaki yg baik. i'm sure ade wanita yg baik untuk ko di luar sana.

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous | Saturday, January 26, 2008 11:13:00 PM   

oro: xlame mane, seminggu je...edit sini touchup sane, xperasan lak jd terlebih-lebih-lebih panjang lak...but den again, wen u tok abot sum1 u love, u cud actuely make a nobel of it..(dah xbetul lak english aku nih..kene ade cikgu tolong ajarkan nih hihi :)) byk sangat kenangan huhuhu...

yap tahun ni...month tau,exact date xtau (tp I kinda HIGHLY speculate the 1 date & 1 place to be held..)oho nak ajak ko kah..tp perjalanan aku banyak menggunakan kenderaan pacuan 'manual' dgn kelajuan 3km/j (aku teka je), especially bile kat sane..aku dah biase sgt jalan sorang2 ni..

aiseh incik mal, memandangkan experience aku ni kan the very basic/lowest level munye love, xtau cemana nak membantu ko dlm perihal kene reject nih..not yet maybe..

achik: umm..xtau nak kate ape..thanks for able to feel what i feel..ni blom lg taruk the EXACT story of 'close encounter of a third kind [1977]' eh silap, tu citer ala2 alien...maksud aku, rentetan2 alkisah dari kecik sampai beso...tp xpayah kot, incik oro dah kate yg ni pon dah pjg sgt..

aku masih menanti peluang misi 'silent heart' yg satu ni utk diselesaikan...andainye kalau tercapai objektifnye, then baru 'silent heart' aku akan rase tersangat lapang dan tenang...

i like this article from here:http://oneluv75.multiply.com/
journal/item/65/
JODOH_....
RENUNGKANLAH_SEDALAM-DALAMNYA

especially the last part:

"Kadang2 Allah sembunyikan matahari..
Dia datangkan petir dan kilat..
kita menangis dan tertanya-tanya,
kemana hilangnya sinar..
Rupa2nya.. Allah nak hadiahkan kita pelangi"

dan utk pernyataan anda yg last tu,

" Perempuan yang jahat adalah untuk lelaki yang jahat...dan lelaki yang baik adalah untuk wanita yang baik...." (An-Nur : 26)

xpe, same2 le kite sume berusaha utk termasuk dlm golongan yg disebut latter ayat nih..

i'll take my time...aku try, say, seblum 2012 (tp kalau cepat pon xde masalah huhu)...kuharap pengembaraanku masih jauh kehadapan, insyallah...

Posted by Blogger Shah-Azz, Inc. | Friday, February 01, 2008 12:02:00 AM   

i'm typeless...hahaha...at least u have the guts to express ur feeling and share it...

mana ada aku skip, aku baca siot (althou aku ni bz, hehe)...bak kata jamal, ko sudah keluar dari kepompong...memang benar...haha...

althou many things to comment, tapi xpela...ko pun dah beso panjang apa...

lastly...ko dah keje blom? kalo ada byk masa lapang, jom cuti-cuti malaysia...

Posted by Blogger alel | Sunday, February 03, 2008 2:13:00 PM   

Post a Comment

About Me

  • I'm Shah-Azz, Inc.
  • From Putra Permai, Selangor, Malaysia
  • Excellence Forever...
My profile

Previous Posts

Archives

The Great Minds

The Other Me


My Favorite Links


Sudoku

Affiliations

    Powered by Blogger

    Innovation delivered

    Get Firefox

    Alternative Browser Alliance

Statistics

Malaysian Time

Your IP Address

Counters

    Free Hit Counter

Locations

Online Users

Your Origin Links

Who Links To Me?

Countries

Education Level

Chatterbox


Secrets Of My Name

Islamic Center

Prayers Time

Hijriah Date

Others

Powered by Blogger
and Blogger Templates